“Hey, Mom. We found a chair and it’s a recliner…and it’s really fuzzy. And it was free. And we thought we could use it when we wanted to play Airsoft…or if we need to chill somewhere.  It’s a good chair. So, yeah…call me back when you get this.”

That was the voicemail message Noah left on my phone one afternoon when Ron and I were out running errands. “Eww….” I said to Ron after relaying Noah’s message to him.” I wonder where they found that chair. They better not have brought it home.’ I didn’t call Noah back and assumed that if I didn’t  give him permission to bring the chair home, it would end up at a friend’s house instead.

A short time later, we pulled into our driveway and to our delight, we found a stunning, green chair (circa 1974) parked in the second stall of our garage. Noah and his friends were nowhere in sight.

We got out of the car to inspect it. “Gross,” Ron said as we both stood gazing at it. The fabric was seasick green-colored synthetic fuzz probably made from a combination of polyester, nylon, and melted plastic. The piping along the front cushion had worn down to its pallid grayish innards, there was a hole in the back where a button used to be, and the handle that operated the reclining mechanism was hanging precariously by a thread. Taped to the front of the chair was a piece of paper with the word “FREE” scrawled across it in bold Sharpie lettering. As I sized the thing up, I could only imagine how many cans of Billy Beer, Cheetos, and episodes of “All in the Family” this chair had seen in its lifetime.

“Great…what are we going to do with it?” I asked my husband. “It’s disgusting.”

“He’s going to bring it back to where he found it,” Ron responded matter-of-factly.

When we went inside of the house, Noah was sitting at the kitchen counter eating a snack. “What are you planning to do with that chair in the garage?” I asked him point blank.

Noah paused long enough to look up from his Ramen and said, “Me and Jake and Eric are going to take it into the woods and shoot it.  You know…with our Airsoft guns. It’s cool.”

“You need to take it back where you found it,” Ron told Noah.  “We can’t have that thing sitting around here.”

“I don’t even remember what house we got it from, Dad,” Noah said.

Noah explained that they had discovered the discarded recliner at the edge of some yard off the county road and they were so pumped when they saw it, they didn’t pay attention to where they were before they began hauling it home. Now none of Noah’s friends were around to help him lug it anywhere, anyway. And the clincher was that even if Ron did load the chair into our truck to help Noah get rid of it, our observant teenager didn’t have a clue where it needed to go. What if they ended up chucking it in front of the wrong house?  Try explaining why you’re dumping a giant pile of green trash on someone’s yard to the cops.

So, while we tried to figure out a cheap way to get rid of it, the chair sat in the garage. For weeks it sat. Then weeks turned into months. We walked around it. We parked next to it. We moved it across the floor a few times. We stored things like toolboxes or huge bags of water softener salt on it. Finally when Ron got tired of constantly maneuvering the thing around the garage,  he pulled it out onto the driveway.

“You still need to get rid of that thing, ” he reminded Noah again and again.

Noah’s chair-hauling posse had been gone for months. The chair never made it to the woods, and to my knowledge no one ever shot it. Now outside, the green albatross endured snow, sleet, rain, and acorn showers. And yup…Greenie was displayed front and center outside our house on the driveway. We were quickly turning in the classiest family in the neighborhood but unfortunately, no one was jealous enough to sneak up and steal the chair.

I know you’re wondering. Why didn’t we just throw the thing out? Well, that would mean a painstaking call to our waste management service and a hefty fee to have it hauled away. I wasn’t ready to fork out money to have trash hauled away that wasn’t ours to being with. So, we just left it there, hoping that it would eventually turn to compost and blow away. But since it was made from some super secret 1970’s indelible material, it didn’t. The chair had pretty much become a lawn ornament and sadly, it had gotten to the point where I barely even noticed anymore.

A few weeks before Stella’s graduation party Ron had finally had enough of the nasty recliner and handed Noah a crowbar, saw, and sledgehammer and said, “Go chop the chair up.”

Noah was ecstatic about this idea and quickly ran to the driveway and set to work. After an hour or so of sawing, hammering, and prying, the chair had been broken down into bite-sized pieces that were easily dropped into our trashcan. The next day, Walters Refuse finally hauled ol’ Greenie away. And the best thing about it was that we didn’t have to pay anything extra to have it done.

Have your kids ever brought anything strange home that you had to deal with?  Did you ever do it as a kid?

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23 Responses to “It was Free…and it’s Really Fuzzy”

  • Jean says:

    Great story! And yes…I got a recliner that way too! White leather, just slightly torn! There must be an old recliner graveyard somewhere!

    But worse yet, when I was a kid my mother was a prolific garage sale shopper…and an accomplished upholsterer. She used to scour the neighborhood for sad pieces of furniture she could rehab. She didn’t have a truck BUT she had kids! She used to send me and my brothers off the hand carry the treasures home. Talk about embarassing!

  • Diane says:

    That is SO funny! I’m sure all the neighbors thought you were the ones that wanted all those ‘wonderful” pieces of furniture.

  • Ginny Marie says:

    My sister rescued a peach fuzzy chair from the curb! It was very comfortable!

  • tricia says:

    This is funny! And, I actually think the chair has a vintage cuteness… :) I remember bringing my dad a dead rattlesnake in a paper bag once…. :) Funny post!

  • MayMay says:

    I did lot of that. Come to think of it the chair looks really good.
    Thanks for stopping by and i wish you a wonderful week.

    • Diane says:

      Just to clarify, this chair is not a photo of the actual chair dragged home by our son. It is an actor portraying the role of the chair. The chair in the photo IS however a close likeness to the original in both color an texture.

  • Jenna says:

    Oh.my.word! That is hilarious! My kiddos are too young to haul things home yet, but I know the day is coming.

  • My son collects used electronics. We have CPUs, TVs, stereos all over the place. He takes them apart so he can “build stuff” with the wires, etc. My favorite creation so far is his “laundry basket,” The plastic cover off the back of an OLD – read HUGE – computer monitor!

    One day, I hope to convince him to sell the scrap metal to a recycling place. He might be able to pay for college that way…. or at least buy some books!

    • Diane says:

      You should sell his laundry basket invention on Etsy! That would help him pay for college, too I’m sure your son comes up with some interesting things… :)

  • The chair is giving me the heebie jeebies just from the picture. It looks so…mossy!

  • Diane says:

    It was. It was, my friend…

  • Well…at least it wasn’t alive? LOL

  • Diane says:

    I can’t agree with that more…

  • Jen says:

    My kids bring strange things for me to deal with all the time… they are just usually of the living variety and totally gross me out.

    • Diane says:

      I don’t mind so much if they’re alive but if they don’t have fur and are slimy or slithery, that’s a different story. One time my brother-in-law “saved” a couple of salamanders he’d found near a pond for my son. Talk about ugly and stinky! Even my brother-in-law agreed that they were a bit too pungent to hang on to so after “admiring” them for a total of about 5 minutes inside of their 5-gallon bucket container, they were released back into their gooey muddy swamp world.

  • Anna Lefler says:

    I have to say…I’m diggin’ that chair.

    😀 A.

  • It’s not my kids who bring home random stuff. Its my husband I have to worry about. He’s a tag sale fanatic and comes with everything from junky pieces of furniture to old books. Once he brought home a box full of headless Barbies!?

  • Oh my… the headless Barbie thing sounds like a cry for help! What the….? Umm…so did you keep them? And did he have some sort of explanation for this? (oh please share…I need another laugh).

    My husband is a collector, too and claims he has to keep stuff “just in case.” Gimme a break. who needs jumper cables with just the pincher things (and no actual cables)? Like they’re going to be able to start my car on a -30 winter morning.

  • He bought them sight unseen. He rolled into a tag sale, waved his hand over some boxes and said, “I’ll give you $10 for this whole bunch.”

    I told him not to go back to that house again. Clearly, the seller has issues.

    To his credit, this tactic has worked in the past. He once came home with 6 plastic tubs that he purchased for $2.00. And one had a $200 Coach purse inside!

  • Diane says:

    Oh my gosh! If he doesn’t watch Storage Wars, he needs to. You guys could be like Jarrod and Brandi from the show (one of the very few that I watch). I don’t think Jarrod ever bought headless dolls, though…

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