It's All Good Until You Burn Dinner

Archive for March, 2012

I’m finally catching up to the rest of the world and have figured out my New Year’s resolution for 2012. I know…ridiculous that it’s almost April and it took this long to pin it down.  And if I hadn’t been in denial about my (extremely) less-than-fabulous figure, I would have probably gotten on this thing a lot sooner. The problem is that somewhere deep in my brain, I still think I’m 22 years old and have the ability to eat and drink whatever I want without gaining an ounce.

Believe it or not, up until a year or two ago, that was pretty much the case. I could down a family-size bag of kettle chips and a king size candy bar without gaining as much as gram or two.  And if I did gain a couple ounces, I’d tweak my snack intake, walk to the mailbox a few extra times, and within a couple weeks the extra weight would slide off.

My friends kept warning me: “Watch out! After you turn 40, all of this will change.” And it did. But because I refused to believe my evil bathroom scale (and because of my love for powdered sugar donuts, snickerdoodles, and Heath Bars), I closed my eyes to my ever-expanding waistline and continued to feast.

For a while, I tried to talk myself into believing that there are real benefits to my newly acquired muffin top physique.

• Along with my car’s airbags and seat belt, my newly expanded gut will help protect me in case of an accident.

• My new gut also doubles as a TV tray. My Danish rolls and lattes balance nicely on my muffin top while I kick back on the sofa to watch “Seinfeld’ or “Dance Moms.”

• A few pieces of strategically-placed duct tape along the muffin top line allows me to create an excellent lumbar pillow out of myself.

• No need for a life jacket while out on the lake boating! The few extra rolls around my middle will serve as an excellent flotation device.

• It will be a lot easier to land my dream job of mall Santa next holiday season.

I almost had myself convinced that my new shape could provide me with an extra level of safety and comfort….until I recently tried pulling on a few different pairs of  my favorite jeans. The task had become not only uncomfortable, it was downright hazardous because it was evident that I was in danger of becoming an amputee. My pants were so tight, they were cutting off circulation to my lower extremities.

Therefore,  my belated New Year’s resolution for 2012 is to shed a few pounds.  So for the last few weeks I’ve been torturing myself with exercise a 4-5 days a week and I’ve also cut out pastries, donuts, chocolate (with the exception of the 10 Cadbury Mini Eggs I ate today after a stop at the grocery store), cookies, cheese, and other delicious high-calorie favorites. And so far, I’ve lost a whopping 3 pounds (sometimes it’s 4-5 pounds if I can find just the right spot to place the scale on our uneven bathroom floor). Whoooppeee. I’m almost able to wedge myself into my jeans again without having to dial 911.

Now that I’ve altered my diet and have started to exercise, I think I need to boost my metabolism,  don’t you think? It should would make this quest a lot easier. I’ve heard rumors that almonds, grapefruit, and green tea can help with this. But I would love feedback from my viewing audience. Has anything worked for you? Any foods that you simply “can’t live without” while watching your diet?  Please . Help Me. I’m in danger of becoming an air bag.

And by the way, Happy New Year!

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For sale: one prom dress, size 5/6. Worn once for a maximum of 5 hours. Purchased one year ago for an exorbitant amount of money. Looked great on the mannequin and even better on my daughter – especially when accented by an overpriced purse, earrings and shoes (also only worn one time. Make offer).

Shredded heap of toile draped over dress used to be attached to skirt until daughter’s careless friend got her high heel stuck in it while hip-hopping on prom night. Nasty ring of dirt along bottom edge of off-white lining isn’t that noticeable if sunglasses are worn while viewing it (or if one looks at it from a distance of about 40-45 paces).

Dress has hung inside fabric garment bag (untouched) for one year. Now only a loathsome reminder of an exceptionally expensive evening that “really wasn’t that fun” (daughter’s exact quote upon arrival home after prom night).

Daughter will use proceeds from the sale of garment to purchase supplies for college – most likely food to be eaten in current dorm room (ramen, granola bars, fruit cups) so that college dining center may be avoided. There is also a possibility money could be used for transportation home to see mom, dad, and sibling.

Seller is not responsible for any negative experiences that develop while wearing dress that include but are not limited to: a crummy dinner, sweaty boys at dance, blisters from shoes, and a painfully boring date.

Cash only.

Want to help my poor (literally) daughter buy dorm food? Click the Etsy link to the right to view her hand-designed shoe gallery!

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Last weekend I was sitting outside and a mosquito landed on me. And for the record, yes…it bit me.

I know what you’re thinking… “Big deal, Diane. It happens a zillion times a day all over the world. You really need to get a hobby!”

Well, normally I wouldn’t be so astounded by a bug bite but I live in the freakishly cold north where normally in March, there is still a blanket of white snow on the ground (not to mention the occasional winter storm warning). Not only isn’t there any snow here, we’re also experiencing record temperatures in the 70’s and 80’s.  And I know our state isn’t alone in regards to these “tropical” temps. The entire country is prematurely donning their Bermuda shorts and slathering on the Coppertone because of unseasonably warm weather.

I don’t’ know how you feel, but all of this fabulous warmth actually has kind of alarmed me. In my neck of the woods, the average temp for March is around 40 degrees or so. If it’s been 20-30 degrees above normal all winter long, what will that mean for us in the middle of summer?  Is it going to be so hot we’ll be cooking ourselves at the Fourth of July picnic this year?

In addition to the discomfort temperatures like that would bring in coming months,  I seriously don’t know how my already limp hair could possibly hold up in that kind of heat — even with a thick layer of Aqua Net and a double coat of Shellac. And forget about “clinical strength” antiperspirant/deodorant.  I’ll be searching the store shelves for “Paul Bunyan strength.” Maybe even full body roll-on.  Blech!

What are your feelings about this unusually early spring?  Do you enjoy it or like me, is there something in the back of your mind that’s has you worried about the weirdness of it? Please share!!

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Our bedroom closet is in desperate need of a beauty makeover.  Ron and I have a fairly large walk-in that may seem like a luxury to some people but honestly, I think a big closet does nothing but create problems. For us, it’s become the refuse dump for anything larger than a breadbox and smaller than a compact car.

I finally figured this out yesterday when I walked into the closet with the simple goal of finding one of my favorite black skirts but ended up desperately lost for a couple of hours. Somewhere between my shoes and Ron’s old firefighting gear I became entrapped under the miscellaneous odds and ends that had accumulated on the shelves and floor.

How in the heck did all of that stuff get in there? Could I actually be the one guilty of being an accomplice in the creation of this catastrophe we call a “closet,” or was it that silly perimenopausal alter ego of mine that seems to be doing lots of stupid stuff around here lately? Of course, there are average “closet things” in there like clothing, shoes and a couple of empty suitcases, but there are also numerous things that are weirdly out of place…even for a closet belonging to us.

After I clawed my way out of the rubble, I rifled around in search of my skirt (because of course, it wasn’t on the hanger where it was SUPPOSED to be). As I scrounged, I made a mental note of a few of the renegade things I ran across while in there:

• ·       Two Easter baskets

• ·       Plastic Easter eggs

• ·       A small stack of vinyl records

• ·       A pile of junk mail from at least a year ago

• ·       Two stethoscopes

• ·       A couple dozen books

• ·       Picture collages I made for my dad’s funeral (9 years ago).

• ·       An unfinished afghan from my pathetic unskilled crocheting days

• ·       A weird little sterno-powered engine from my husband’s childhood

• ·       A sad little silk flower arrangement

• ·       Two microscopic blankets

• ·       One fitted sheet (where is the matching flat sheet and pillowcases?)

• ·       A wind-up helicopter

• ·       One Bratz doll, NIB (do they even sell them anymore?)

• ·       Two laptop bags, minus any laptops

• ·       A cobweb

• ·       A patriotic-looking box filled with Gore/Bush memorabilia

• ·       A deck of “magic” playing cards

• ·       One pimp hat  (I’m hoping it was just leftover from Halloween…).

It took me a full hour but eventually I found that black skirt (crumpled into a grapefruit-sized ball next to Ron’s stack of winter sweaters). And the experience inside our walk-in actually taught me a couple of things…

1. For safety sake, I should probably wear a hard hat before setting foot inside of our closet.

2. SOMEONE HAS GOT TO CLEAN THAT THING OUT, STAT!

Does your closet become a catch-all for stuff around your house or are we in the minority? If you are actually organized, what are some tips you can share with me and the viewing audience for keeping it tidy? Please comment!

 Feeling sorry for me because I’m sorely disorganized? Well, you can cheer me up! I was nominated for Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Mom Blogs. Find me here on the list of all the funny mom bloggers and vote! It’ll make my day (and will provide me with the energy I need to clean out that pesky closet!). And thanks!